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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.