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I put the o in illiterate!
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?