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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace