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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"