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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.