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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.