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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
I give myself the best presents.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist