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Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.