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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!