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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.