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As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
Long story short, I love summaries
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.