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I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.