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There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis