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I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you`re really clingy and annoying
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.