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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.