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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.