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Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.