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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.