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My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.