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I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.