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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.