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Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.