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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"