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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D