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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.