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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
Can I get likes for no reason?