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Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...