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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps