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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
This recliner and I go way back.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.