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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.