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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.