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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
I`m starting to think all that stuff about Y2K is not going to happen !
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!