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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......