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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"