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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces ...
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.