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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.