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If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.