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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.