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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?