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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.