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People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.