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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
The covers of this book are too far apart.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
This is a lousy dating site.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.