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Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”