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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.