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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.