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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.