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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?