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Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.