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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.