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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?