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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.