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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)