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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.