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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
More food should come with prizes inside it.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.