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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused