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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.