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I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.