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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Please do not read this.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.