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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
My inner child is a drunken whore
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel