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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.