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nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.