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Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"