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Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.