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I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.