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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.