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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?