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Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Iām the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
If you tickle me, Iām not responsible for your injuries.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.