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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.