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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like Iām choking it to death.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Iām sad when my food is over.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!