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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.