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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
is available for rebound sex.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative