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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late