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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom