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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.