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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.