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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people