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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.