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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.