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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.