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Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.