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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
The older I get the better I used to be.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.