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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.