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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
Who´s up for Candyland? $20 buy in
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.