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If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.