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Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.