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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.