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If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.