Daily Silly Status

Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...

This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard

I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.

Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!

A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."

I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.

I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.

“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever

Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.

There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.

The only people without problems are in the cemetery.

Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.