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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.