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Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.