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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.