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Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.