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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.