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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
What about a To-Don`t List?
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"