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I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.