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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.