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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
The word bed looks like a bed.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.