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thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!