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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.